Trusting in God has not always been a very easy thing for me to do. Oh I definitely believed in God and His power, I guess I just felt that I always knew what was best for me. How wrong I was! God had to prove to me just how much He knew and how little I really knew. What a hard lesson that was.
The pruning began a long time ago and I didn’t even realize it had started until my marriage did a nosedive and left my mind in a tailspin.I began seeking God to heal the hurt that I felt had been inflicted upon me. Instead He opened my eyes to see the pain I had inflicted on others and myself. I wanted Him to bring people apologizing to me for their behavior and instead He commanded that I go to others and apologize for anything I had said or done that was out of line with His Will. Every time I asked Him for something He gave me just the opposite of what I asked for. I felt angry, hurt and betrayed by everyone including God. Until the day He asked me, “do you trust Me.” What? Do I trust You? I replied with a shaky, “yes”. Shaky because saying yes meant releasing the control that I thought I had and, whether my control over my life was perceived or real, it was hard to let it go. The Lord began to pry the reigns of my life out of my hands on a daily basis. First there was my failing marriage that I so desperately wanted to work. Then there was the salvation of my husband, which I knew would right every wrong place in our marriage and lives. Then there was the very deep financial hole we were in that was so dark not even a glimpse of light could be seen anywhere. These were just the major issues. The minor issues that came up on a daily basis are just too numerous to name.
Needless to say a great deal of stress and pressure accompanied all of these issues and I could no longer cope. I didn’t want control anymore. I had no power and at times no hope of ever surviving or feeling a sense of self worth ever again. My life was doing a downward spiral and was not at all what I had dreamt about as a little girl. I was in a losing battle and I was feeling very dead inside. No one could help and no one could penetrate the hard exterior that sheltered a frightened little girl. It was hopeless and I had run out of things to hope for. But God.... God was just waiting for me to realize that my answers were in Him and nothing or no one else. Everything I needed was in His Word if I would just seek Him. The more I sought the Lord the more I trusted Him. The more questions I asked the more answers He gave. The more serious I got with Him the more real His Word became to me. The more I nurtured our relationship the more intimate we became. God became the true lover of my soul. Every day I found new reasons to love Him and to lean on His every Word.
Don’t get me wrong, the problems didn’t go away and there were still daily issues to confront and consequences to face and live through. What did happen was an incredible peace washed over me and daily I felt renewed and revived. I felt able and capable of resolving issues that needed resolutions. I began to love myself and the old wounds that tormented me and held me prisoner were healed and thrown out of my life. The empty places were filled with God’s love and the dark places were filled with His incredible light. Confusion, pressure, and stress were turned into peace, power, and purpose. Where my life seemed to be out of control while under my control, God turned that around and gave me a road map to self-fulfillment and success. Greater still He made my crooked ways straight! I began to see myself through God’s eyes and to love myself as He loves me. I finally realized that because of God I am worthy of unconditional love and because I am created in His likeness and image I do not have to settle for just anything or compromise myself because of others. I realized my purpose and all that God placed in me to share with others and the ministry that He desired to use in me all along.
My trials have hurt me so deeply and in so many ways yet God used them to show me just how strong I really am. He allowed these things to occur in order to place me in a position where I was finished talking and ready to listen attentively to what He had to say. The vision was in my heart the entire time but without His direction the vision was no good and with me talking all of time He couldn’t give me the direction I needed.
My surrender to God was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and yet it has also been the most fulfilling. Through trials and storms and seeking Him and receiving Him I have gained a strong weapon of trust in Him. A weapon that says that no matter what I am standing on the promises of God and I will not turn back to what once was. My determination is fueled by His love and compassion for me as well as the strong purpose He has placed in me. I now understand that many are called and few are chosen. When God came to me one January evening in 1999 and told me I was His chosen one and I had a profound work to do I didn’t quite know what that meant nor did I realize the impact it would have on my life. I now realize exactly what Jesus meant when He said in Luke 12:48 “...For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required...”. The Lord has given me many gifts and talents and all are to be used for His kingdom. This means that much is required of me and my life and I cannot live by ordinary standards set by man. Ordinary just won’t due. My call is a higher calling of the Lord and He has called me to do an extraordinary and profound work for Him.
Do I trust Him? Oh YES!! I trust Him with everything I am and everything I ever hope to be. I am His and He is mine and whatever being His means I desire. God is an AWESOME God and all praises are due Him. The greatest thing about God is that the relationship and intimacy that I share with Him can be shared by anyone as long as they are ready and willing to relinquish control to the person who has all of the answers and is not nervous about the outcomes.
An Author’s Note:When I originally wrote this article I was still praying for the reconciliation of my marriage.Things did not work out that way and I was devastated yet determined to trust God for EVERYTHING!It was very hard at times to see what God was doing and where He was taking me yet I still trusted Him through the process.I was so content to just be with God and no one else (besides my awesome son) BUT GOD…He again had another plan and sent to me a wonderful, loving, God-fearing man with two children.We are now a very happy family serving God in every capacity that we possibly can.The way is not always easy—God never said it would be.Having God as the head of my life and trusting Him for my direction, having a wonderful husband and children by my side with unconditional love and support, and loving myself while using the wisdom that God has given me down through the years, continues to make my journey an awesome one filled with love, hope, joy, and incredible peace.I may not always know or see what lies ahead yet I will always trust the hands that hold me and lead the way.Those hands belong to a greater than awesome Father who has promised to never leave my side and He never has!I’m still trusting and He will never stop being trustworthy!
